The Studio: Sandy Fifield

FIRST CASA DAY-Sandy

Casa Early Morning

It’s still dark as we walk to Kelsie’s house for our 6:00 am breakfast and we wonder if the first stage of her security system (the garden gate) will be unlocked. We walk down the driveway and lean against it and as if by magic it swings open for us to proceed to the door of her kitchen. We continue to prepare for the full day ahead; it all seems so strange and new. We are dressed in white clothes, even our underwear is pure white to keep with the spirit of the experience; we even have our white hats with us. We are entirely ready.

We arrive at the Assembly Hall at 6:45 am and start to wait. Our efforts are rewarded with seats on the benches nearest to the front and right of the small stage. This deal is supposed to start at 8:00 am but we have to take into consideration the fact that this is Brazil and Brazilian time is in effect which means that it will start when it starts; there is no rush. This is an open-air hall with a skylight that lets in air and sunlight; to start with it is quite cool with a breeze; soon enough it will warm up sufficiently to turn on the several fans. There is a line of people carrying pillows and back supports who will go into the Current rooms to meditate during the morning session. The Hall fills, all the chairs and benches are full, there are people sitting on the edge of the small stage, the empty spaces fill, there are some sitting on the floor, and there are several folks in wheelchairs in the space to the right of the stage. They will invited in first. Read More

PREPARATION FOR HEALING–BRAZIL

Tuesday, our second day in Abadiania, we made it through the night alive. The first thing on the agenda is that I go to the blessed waterfall with Kelsie. It’s early in the morning and the thought of even a quick dip in a cold running stream doesn’t really sound all that appealing, never the less it couldn’t be any worse than the cold shower I took earlier. So, OK, I’m in!

Bill can’t go with us because Kelsie doesn’t have permission from the Entities of Light for him yet; we would all have to go together—Kelsie, Bill, and me—to help him with the steep path in and out and the rocks at the falls as well. We will ask for permission next week.

Ready for the Waterfall

We walk to the Casa and hire a taxi to drive us down the dirt road to a turnaround where he will wait for us to transport us back up to the Casa; it’s a good thing because it’s at least a mile back up the steep road. A cement paved path with heavy wire handrails on both sides has now appeared leading further down the valley, there is a large, peeling sign in several languages stating the protocol for the waterfall. It asks for silence, respect, and a meditative attitude while visiting the waterfall. We walk down after a silent prayer to the Entities for serenity and healing. We arrive at a cement bench where there is a woman waiting for more women to continue on to the falls. It is against protocol to proceed alone. The gate across the path is closed indicating there are people already ahead of us. Men and women usually go separately but there are exceptions made by the Entities which is what we are hoping for so we can accompany Bill to the blessed waterfall next week. Bill really wants to be able to experience everything that he possibly can while we are in Brazil. Read More

Why is Recovery THE Answer?

Recently, while discussing the addiction problem of a friend’s fifteen year old daughter, my immediate temptation was to think that this was unique and different, a special problem that needed to be dealt with in an extraordinary manner. I thought—there must be some kind of therapy, magic medication or miracle action which could fix the problem once and for all. Rescue and fix—that’s the answer. These thoughts raced through my head and I’m sure through her parent’s minds as well. How can we make the problem just go away?

“Love Boat”

As I sit here on the “Love Boat” holding Sandy’s hand on my last day of chemo, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and compassion. Everyone here is hurting or dying and most are scared to death. To be in a position to reach out, to be an example of the positive, to touch them, to listen to their stories is a gift that has to be experienced. Since we are in the same “boat” approaching them is easy. I give them each a card with the magic words and they light up. It’s a feeling of a joyful planting, knowing that only good can come from a positive act, no matter how small.

It has taken twenty years to get here. From the absolute nadir of despair to a life of happy, joyous freedom at first has to take a lot of effort. The habit of a lifetime took some doing to turn to a different direction. Automatic negative thinking and a curious twist of the mind made being useful in any way almost impossible. Everything seemed to be screwed and I thought I liked it like that. I didn’t realize that just because my reaction was automatic doesn’t mean it wasn’t a decision. I thought I was a victim of my circumstances; I didn’t know that I had a choice. Being a victim keeps me from a life of true freedom; it prevented me from experiencing the wondrous rewards of performing a simple act of kindness. To see people light up, to respond, and to see that spread across the room fills my heart with joy.

Is There Help For My Fear?

Fear is an instinct, not a character defect. It seems to be a part of the human condition package everyone gets at birth consisting of sex, security, society and the search for spirituality or meaning of life. Our primal fears make sense, sort of, they are: fear of starving, fear of freezing, and fear of being eaten. The chances of any of this happening today are pretty slim although possible.

The 12 Steps helped to uncover some of my other basic driving fears; fears that rule my life. When I am in fear I cannot be any further into myself. What I uncovered in the recovery process is the fear that I am not enough. It became a self-fulfilling prophesy. I gathered evidence for this lie in every area of my life.

“Good News”

After nearly 3 months of constant care, I got to watch as Bill jumped into our SUV and drove off to a men’s retreat in Estes Park for the whole weekend. I was invited to come along to act as nurse but his eyes and stamina have been steadily getting better and better during this last month and he wanted to do it all by himself. I felt such bittersweet relief that we had made it to this point.

Last week we went for a follow up MRI to see if the fourteen days of whole brain radiation treatments were successful in stopping the growth of the tumor that was left in his brain after surgery. We sat in the surgeon’s office anxiously awaiting the results. As the good Dr.Vollmer looked at the images on the computer monitor, he did a double take as he looked at the screen, then brought up the original MRI to check what he was seeing. Sure enough the small (pea-sized) tumor was gone—no visible trace left—and the shadows of the larger (egg-sized) tumor that had been removed were virtually non-existent. With restrained optimism he expressed his pleasure with the results and said that we will do a follow-up MRI in three months.

Now, two more cycles of chemo and the lung lesion (unwanted guest) will be in the cosmic dump as well. The prayers and love from all our friends are doing the job. The chemo makes Bill’s mouth taste like he’s been sucking on a penny. His appetite is one-half of what it was and that one-half is tinged with nausea, so we’ve been on a nostalgia recipe kick. How about some meatloaf with mashed potatoes, pork steak with corn, tuna casserole with potato chips, and root beer floats? Good grief—it’s like being transported back to our childhoods in the fifties!

“The End of Act Two”

With the installation of the Power Port in the upper right part of my chest, the curtain came down on Act Two of this drama in my life. Act One was the discovery of the cancer, the subsequent removal of the brain tumor it spawned and receipt of all the information about what we will do about the whole situation in the future. It seemed joyous; I was filled with gratitude and acceptance. It’s not about me. Oh, it hurt, was uncomfortable and boring but it was about what could I bring, how can I help? What is the meaning of life? Helpfulness to others.

Going into Act Two, I knew I was responsible for every thought word or action that comes from me. As the fourteen radiation treatments on my brain started, the effects of the Act One medications became really apparent. Combine that with the exhaustion from the radiation and I started losing ground. I was told to watch out for shortness of breath but I honestly didn’t recognize it when it started to happen. What a surprise to have a pain like a nail being driven into my left knee. It was excruciating and began to travel down my leg. Monday morning of my last week of radiation, the nurse in the office didn’t like my limp and sore leg, so she sent me for a CT scan to discover a blood clot and it’s off to the emergency room for us. We are sent home with blood thinners. The next day back for day twelve of radiation. Now I am really short of breath, I’m limping and hobbling along. Now the nurse is angry. “How could they let you go?”

A Gift Wrapped in Barbed Wire

It started out as a weird god’s-eye shaped floater in the left of my field of vision and turned into a brain tumor and lung cancer in a mere three days. I had gone to my doctor, who referred me to an eye specialist to find out where this irritating thing came from. Next he’s shining a very bright light into my right eye “Lookup, look down, look side to side” he asks. Then he says, “My, my, the viscous has pulled away from the orb, collapsing with the mesh that holds it. What you are seeing is the mesh becoming visible as it contracts—in other words, a floater” I ask, “What can we do about that? It’s right in the middle of where I look, kind of an inconvenience for an artist.” The good doc replies, “Well you are lucky it didn’t pull the cornea off with it or you would be blind. It could go away in three days or it could take three months to float to the bottom of your eye.” Good grief, he sounded like the phone repair guy: “Stay by your phone and we will be there sometime this year!”

“The Gift of Sponsorship”

“Love is seeing yourself in another without fear”

When my sponsor and I started into the 12 Steps, she gave me a carefully defined set of assignments. I became extremely grateful for the set of guidelines she provided for me. I needed definite directions because I was undisciplined and scattered. My thought processes were vague and mushy. Part of this problem was because I was withdrawing from an addiction I had indulged in for years and part came from the fact that I hadn’t focused on learning anything new for quite a while. Not everyone needs this and there are many ways to sponsor a newcomer or even someone who has been around for a while, but I sure did.

When I asked her to be my sponsor, I requested that she teach me a way to pass this on to others. I had become convinced that if I didn’t learn to pass this on, I would not be allowed to continue to come to the meetings. Thank God, this is not true, but it was enough to force me into asking for help. I then asked what I could do to pay her back for this and she told me that the only way I would be able to repay her was to make the effort to pass this on to at least one other person. I agreed because I really needed her help to change my life and I had come to believe that the 12 Steps might just work for me. Even though I had asked and had been told, I still did not realize the commitment she was making to me or the commitment I was making and how it would change my attitude and outlook on life.