With the installation of the Power Port in the upper right part of my chest, the curtain came down on Act Two of this drama in my life. Act One was the discovery of the cancer, the subsequent removal of the brain tumor it spawned and receipt of all the information about what we will do about the whole situation in the future. It seemed joyous; I was filled with gratitude and acceptance. It’s not about me. Oh, it hurt, was uncomfortable and boring but it was about what could I bring, how can I help? What is the meaning of life? Helpfulness to others.
Going into Act Two, I knew I was responsible for every thought word or action that comes from me. As the fourteen radiation treatments on my brain started, the effects of the Act One medications became really apparent. Combine that with the exhaustion from the radiation and I started losing ground. I was told to watch out for shortness of breath but I honestly didn’t recognize it when it started to happen. What a surprise to have a pain like a nail being driven into my left knee. It was excruciating and began to travel down my leg. Monday morning of my last week of radiation, the nurse in the office didn’t like my limp and sore leg, so she sent me for a CT scan to discover a blood clot and it’s off to the emergency room for us. We are sent home with blood thinners. The next day back for day twelve of radiation. Now I am really short of breath, I’m limping and hobbling along. Now the nurse is angry. “How could they let you go?”
This time I am admitted. My heart is beating wildly, extremely erratic. My blood pressure is low and my leg is swollen to twice its normal size. What happened? The race is on to stabilize this out of control body. The whole thing is complicated by the need to finish my last two days of radiation therapy and the new chemo regime starting in two weeks.
I’m lying there in the Critical Care Unit with tubes and wires coming out me everywhere, unable to move, the more they did the worse it got. The only place left to was the tower of the Twelve Steps. I ended up with the Spiritual Principles 12 steps up off the train yard. I became the witness. I was somehow able to see the experience without judgment. It didn’t matter what happened. Everything was as it should be. Being able to witness the experience without judgment changed it all.
Slowly the darkness receded. The Principles became brighter and brighter. The responsibility was still mine, the crossroad still visible. It does not matter what is happening, I have the choice—light or dark, gangster or Santa Claus. The bridge to the eternal is to have the experience without judgment because it’s not for me; it’s for you. I came back to give you this gift.
God bless you, I love you….Bill