Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

“Love Boat”

As I sit here on the “Love Boat” holding Sandy’s hand on my last day of chemo, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and compassion.  Everyone here is hurting or dying and most are scared to death.  To be in a position to reach out, to be an example of the positive, to touch them, to listen to their stories is a gift that has to be experienced. Since we are in the same “boat” approaching them is easy.   I give them each a card with the magic words and they light up.  It’s a feeling of a joyful planting, knowing that only good can come from a positive act, no matter how small.

It has taken twenty years to get here.  From the absolute nadir of despair to a life of happy, joyous freedom at first has to take a lot of effort.  The habit of a lifetime took some doing to turn to a different direction. Automatic negative thinking and a curious twist of the mind made being useful in any way almost impossible.   Everything seemed to be screwed and I thought I liked it like that.   I didn’t realize that just because my reaction was automatic doesn’t mean it wasn’t a decision.   I thought I was a victim of my circumstances; I didn’t know that I had a choice.  Being a victim keeps me from a life of true freedom; it prevented me from experiencing the wondrous rewards of performing a simple act of kindness.  To see people light up, to respond, and to see that spread across the room fills my heart with joy.

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“The Gift of Sponsorship”

“Love is seeing yourself in another without fear”

When my sponsor and I started into the 12 Steps, she gave me a carefully defined set of assignments.  I became extremely grateful for the set of guidelines she provided for me.  I needed definite directions because I was undisciplined and scattered.  My thought processes were vague and mushy.  Part of this problem was because I was withdrawing from an addiction I had indulged in for years and part came from the fact that I hadn’t focused on learning anything new for quite a while.  Not everyone needs this and there are many ways to sponsor a newcomer or even someone who has been around for a while, but I sure did.

When I asked her to be my sponsor, I requested that she teach me a way to pass this on to others.  I had become convinced that if I didn’t learn to pass this on, I would not be allowed to continue to come to the meetings.  Thank God, this is not true, but it was enough to force me into asking for help.   I then asked what I could do to pay her back for this and she told me that the only way I would be able to repay her was to make the effort to pass this on to at least one other person.  I agreed because I really needed her help to change my life and I had come to believe that the 12 Steps might just work for me.     Even though I had asked and had been told, I still did not realize the commitment she was making to me or the commitment I was making and how it would change my attitude and outlook on life.

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