Until my self imposed crisis forced me to change direction, I was trapped in the horrible loneliness that only addiction can bring. The disconnect between me and you was complete. I had no idea I had done this to myself. The idea that there could be a choice never occurred to me. It was desperation that moved me toward the light. It seemed impossible but now there was a problem. I needed help.
Even though the solution was right there on the wall in the form of the 12 Steps, it might as well have been written in Chinese. Somehow I knew that the answer was there, so I sat in the rooms of recovery nine times a week. Slowly the connection appeared, a little here, a little there. At that time where I was, there was only one person who had pursued the gift of the 12 Steps given by the people who went before us. She would not sponsor men, but she would answer the phone so I called her every day for six weeks to ask questions about the program and process of recovery. Then there arrived a man who had done the Steps and I continued my journey with him.
Through my actions it became apparent that I had actually asked for help and that I was using that help. I need other people to clear the fog from my glasses. As the lie that I am not good enough came into focus, as the isolation proved to be the fatal flaw in my behavior, I started being able to help others with what had been shared with me.
Without you the negativity of the human condition would be back very quickly and overwhelm me again. The great gift of addiction is that I have to do this every day to stay free of the awful noise in my mind. What at first seemed a burden has turned into the greatest gift I have ever been given. The only difficult thing about it is my reluctance and resistance. As the years have passed, this chore has become habit and I am grateful I have dug deep in one place. The more I do this, the simpler and easier it gets. As I learn to embrace all of you—everyone, no exceptions—the power of being the gift gets closer and closer to the surface.
It makes no difference how crazy or unpleasant you are; if I am present and make every effort to understand where you are, we both win. Not only have I learned to give; I have learned to receive. This is the circle of existence. It is our connection to each other.
As all the negativity falls from my mind so does the criticism, judgment, fault-finding and blame. I now have a peace that is more infectious than negativity but in order to get there I had to have you in my life. Thank you for showing me this awesome connection; I had no idea how important you were to me. God bless your persistence and refusal to deviate from the truth of the 12 Steps. Be the gift.
God Bless you, I love you
Bill