Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

INVITE ME TO “BE THE GIFT”

My purpose in writing this blog is to offer myself to your event as a speaker.  Contact me through Facebook or through www.digdeepinoneplace.com and I can send a copy of my talk at WACYPAA 2014.

INVITE ME TO “BE THE GIFT”

In October 2011 my husband Bill and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary with a renewal of our marriage vows and a lovely party in our spruced up Studio helped by our incredible friends.  The path in front of us looked so clear—our next steps seemed destined.    We saw ourselves growing old together to become that impossibly old couple sitting on the porch holding hands, seeing each other with eyes that remembered the way we used to look when we first met so long ago in 1965.  Our health was still good, we looked great.  Bill was probably more handsome than he had ever been—at the height of his powers, intellectually as well as artistically.  He was 64. I was 66—we never felt better emotionally, spiritually and artistically.

 We were looking forward to being invited to present our understanding of the 12 Steps, 12 Traditions and 12 Concepts for World Service and the path to freedom they contain with the story of our relationship both before and after the miracle of recovery.    Our paramount intention was to help others find a solution to the spiritual disease of fear that afflicts every human being to some degree.  The alcoholic is the extreme example but there are many more manifestations, all of which can be helped with the practice of the spiritual principles of the 12 Steps.

  Then everything changed—as Bill was finishing a large wood sculpture in January and February, 2012, he began to lose his vision.  At first we thought it was a floater that would dissipate on its own.  Then his peripheral vision began to diminish and by the end of February, he was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer.   Our focus turned to healing the cancer.  The rest of 2012 was filled with radiation and chemo treatments but we did manage a few speaking engagements.  Then in 2013 the cancer returned and Bill died August 9th.

Our belief in the power of the spiritual principles contained in the 12 Steps never wavered.  Through all the sometimes painful and uncomfortable treatments, he never stopped helping others, never stopped going to 12 Step Fellowship meetings and never stopped sharing his and our experience.  We were invited to speak in several places but his strength was tenuous and we had to take great care.

Since I never thought Bill could actually die, denial equaled hope for me during those difficult days just before he passed.  Today I have moved into a kind of acceptance that is changing every day.  Starting the day after he transitioned, I went to my early morning meeting so I could stay connected to the people and spiritual principles that had sustained me and him for 21 years of sobriety and recovery.  I was asked to tell my story at the Jackson Hole meeting in September and then in January 2013 I was privileged to be asked to be the Sunday morning speaker at WACYPAA which was held in Denver at the Sheraton Hotel.

My connection with Bill is intensified and strengthened when I am asked to speak at any event or meeting.  He was so enthusiastic about sobriety, recovery and the 12 Steps.   I feel that I am privileged to be able to continue his and my legacy of recovery and understanding of the spiritual principles.   We met in 1965 and maintained a relationship that went through many transitions drunk and sober.   Our stories are totally intertwined; we truly dug deep in one place.  Even today I am still exploring our relationship by continuing to create art in our studio, by participating in my 12 Step fellowship, by sponsoring others through the 12 Steps, by writing my experience and by telling our story whenever and wherever I am invited.  The 12 Steps continue to sustain and uphold me as I face this new world without Bill.

OUR LAST WEEK IN ABADIANIA-Sandy

 

This is the last installment of the story of our trip to Brazil.  There have been some who wanted me to finish, so here it is.    It was written with the notes I made in Brazil and immediately after we got home in July 2013.   Of course, I cannot help but be influenced by the fact that Bill died  August 9 at 11:40 am, almost exactly one month after we got home.   It has been a bittersweet endeavor for me to finish the blogs I promised when the world looked so different than it does today.

OUR LAST WEEK IN ABADIANIA-Sandy

Tuesday night. Another Casa week starts tomorrow. The night is restless; we are encouraged to drink as much of the blessed water as we can so we are each up and down several times during the night to use the bathroom. At one point I hear a loud noise and realize that Bill has fallen in the bathroom.  I look in and there he is sitting on the floor, there is no blood or limbs askew so I close the door and wait.  When he comes out I ask, “What happened?”  He says that he did slip on the tile but when he started to go down it felt like arms were around him and they lowered him to the floor on his butt as if he were on a cloud, to land sitting and unhurt. Strange things happen here.

Early morning.

Early morning.

When we wake again at 5:00 am, there is the moon; it looks like a happy face in the morning sky.  It looks strangely like a Cheshire cat grin.  I imagine the bright eyes and striped body coming into focus at any minute.

Assembly Hall

Assembly Hall–Triangle is on the far wall.

We have awakened before our agreed upon time which was 6:00 am but Bill gets the shower to work; it’s actually quite hot.  It’s cold in the room and we joke about how pampered we are at home.  A little bit chilly?  Turn up the heat.  Hot water?  As much as you want—de nada (it’s nothing)!!!  We storm the dining hall to get breakfast a little early so we can get to the Assembly hall and get a good seat—success! We are in the first row.  As we wait, we take off our shoes and go to the wooden Triangle on the wall above the stage to place our photos of friends and ask for healing.   As I stood before the Triangle with my hands on the upper sides, I realized that I had my back to everyone in the Assembly Hall.  I swear that everyone was looking at my butt.  I knew because as people went up to the Triangle I had a judgment of everyone in my mind.  Ah, the human condition is still with me and plans to be around for a while.

The plan is that we, Bill, Kelsie and I will go together through the Second Time line during the morning session.   We will ask for permission for the three of us to go to the waterfall.  We are hoping the Entity will see Bill as strong enough to make the trip.   The Medium Joao not only grants us permission but prescribes surgery for Bill in the afternoon session.

The first thing up as we leave the Hall is to get a taxi to take us all to the waterfall.   It’s still early but quite warm.  We brought our swimming suits to change into at the wooden bench.   As we walk down the path, Bill holds on to the rails on either side.  Kelsie is in front, Bill is in the middle and I am bringing up the rear.   It’s slow going but there is no one else around so we don’t have to hurry.  After we change, we continue barefoot to the falls.  Bill is delighted with the simplicity of the place.   We all move toward the water over the slippery rocks holding Bill’s hands, helping him to keep his balance.   As he faces the falls, he makes sure he’s steady on his feet and shoves his head under the water. It splashes all over us and we can’t help but squeal and giggle like little girls.  Then he does it again and again.   Not exactly a silent, meditative attitude but it was so much fun!  After we get Bill back to the bridge, Kelsie and I go separately under the water, then we all return up the steep path to the wood bench.    As we change into dry clothes, Bill seems refreshed and cleansed.  He says that it feels as though all the chemo and radiation of the last year have been washed away.   As we walk back up to the gate and beyond to the parking area it is deserted so we had our noisy good time at the falls without disturbing anyone else.  We thank the Entities for our beautiful and healing visit to the blessed waterfall and return to our pousada for blessed soup, lunch and preparation for the afternoon session.

I accompany Bill to the Casa for the afternoon session and he enters for his third intervention/spiritual surgery.   Kelsie will meet him after and help him with his return to the pousada.  I walk into the garden to write, meditate and I even nap on one of the benches for a few minutes; the air temperature is absolutely perfect and there is a beautiful light breeze.  I could still hear the happenings in the Assembly Hall because there are speakers set outside so that everyone can keep informed as to what is happening inside the Assembly Hall.  When I return to the pousada, Bill is sleeping and I work on gathering the photos of friends who want healing.   I receive them via email and take them to the internet café next door to have them printed; then I write their name, physical address, date of birth and what it is that they want help with from the Entities.  This is called distant healing and some people take stacks of photographs for the Entity to see and prescribe herbs for.  Others who do not want to take herbs will have their photos placed in the triangle at the back of the stage; I am told that either way is effective and the person will actually feel something whether they know it or not.    I have seventeen, some of each, which I will present on Friday morning

Early Thursday morning, I am lying in bed looking at the sunrise out my window.   There is the dove sitting on the utility pole in my view.   She is perfectly framed in one of the upper panels.  After a few minutes she is joined by another dove—oh my, they are having sex, it lasts less than a minute, he jumps off, preens himself and flies away.  She stays, looking very satisfied.   It appears that this is a morning ritual for them; I remember seeing them last week as well.   I laugh and get up to prepare for my day.   I will be going to the Casa this morning for Revision. It is eight days after your last surgery, you are asked to go before the Entities again for what seems to be a follow-up appointment.

Today it is really apparent that this week is different from last.  There are less people over-all, more Brazilians and fewer foreigners.  The session starts later and there is less translation into German, English and French.   In fact we wait nearly an hour for anything to get started.  Medium Joao doesn’t come out on stage; instead there is an attractive woman who speaks in Portuguese.  She is a beautiful woman, a gorgeous smile, blond, slim and tall.   She is dressed in a long white skirt, embroidered blouse, a long white scarf, and she is barefoot.    She speaks for hours and I am there for it all because the Revision line is the very last to be called.  I begin to long to hear anything, anything at all in English.  I have come to understand some Portuguese so I get some of what I she says.  I finally get to go in for revision; it’s much like the spiritual surgery and then I’m outside into the beautiful afternoon.   Bill has just finished with his twenty-four hour rest period and we have dinner at the pousada and go to bed early.

We finish up the Casa week on Friday by going in the Second Time line to stand before Medium Joao, we say thank you for your help and he sends Bill for one more spiritual surgery in the afternoon.    Bill seems much weaker but we assume it is because he is healing and that is what he tells me and Kelsie.

Saturday afternoon Bill finishes another 24 hour rest so we walk to the Casa to do a little souvenir shopping.  Our bags will weigh at least twice what we arrived with two weeks ago but we don’t care as they will be checked and beyond our responsibility as we travel.    We are bringing home blessed water as well as at least thirty bottles of blessed herbs for friends and family, then add to that blessed crystals for everyone we can think of and we have some very heavy bags.   We just have to jam all the souvenirs in our small suitcases somehow.

As we arrive at the Casa, we run into Mark, an American we met at the 12 Step meeting last Monday. We sit for a while and talk in the blue and white passageway; we are all wearing blue and white.  It is a surreal afternoon; the colors are surrounding and swallowing us completely, shimmering in the late afternoon warmth and light.  Bill is emotional as we talk with Mark—passionate about his story and how the 12 Steps can and do work.  His face is swollen and there are tears of joy and gratitude.   I leave for a moment to walk quickly back to our pousada for a copy of our book to give to our new friend.   I am glad I got to leave them for a while to talk together.  When I arrive back, I can see that there has been some sort of understanding but my brain puts it aside to concentrate on practical matters.

After some shopping we have a date with Kelsie for a pizza party to celebrate the end of our two week adventure in Brazil.  Bill has to wait for forty-eight hours before he can go back to the waterfall for a final cleansing so we decide that we will do that before we leave Abadiania on Monday afternoon.   Then it’s back to the pousada for a quiet night.

Sunday morning, our last Sunday in Abadiania,  after breakfast Bill is so tired that he wants to take a nap so I decide to take my walk to the north of town since I am positive that the sing-along service we attended last Sunday is in the afternoon.  My walk was lovely, no workmen standing in the road to mark my passage; it was cool and refreshing to take a fast walk for a change.

Leaving the Casa

Long shadows–Leaving the Casa

In the late afternoon we walk to the Casa to make some final requests of the Entities.  We photograph the empty Assembly Hall and leave a donation to the Casa in the box provided for that purpose.  We decide not to stay for the sunset.  As we leave, I capture an image of our long shadows as we leave through the ornate blue and white gates.

Did I want to know the future?  I had asked the Entities for serenity and courage to face whatever might come into my life.   Did I know then?  Perhaps in my deepest heart but denial was still serving me well.  Would I have acted differently had I know the stark truth?   The answer has to be no—I did my absolute best, I had to believe that he was healed, that the waterfall had cleansed his body of the cancer and he was spiritually prepared in a profound way that I do not understand fully—even today.

As I write today nearly eight months since he died last August, I find myself second guessing my thoughts and trying to read more into my notes than really belongs there.   All of this is in the notes I wrote during our trip and immediately after we got home.

On Monday morning, the day we are to leave Abadiania to start our journey home, we suddenly realize that we are the only people in the pousada, so I find YouTube on the internet and we listen to “Here Comes the Sun”, “Imagine”, and “I Hope You Dance” as loud as the computer will play them and we don’t worry that it will bother anyone else.   After breakfast, we return to the Casa one last time to leave a request for the Entities to visit us in Colorado the next week, receive a final blessing of the Casa and make a last trip to the waterfall to frolic in the cold water again .

As we leave Abadiania at 4:00 pm we stop at a little shop that wasn’t open earlier to purchase a beautiful tiny pot for our collection; it contains a small crystal.  As we travel across the country, Bill points out the window to the right and says “Look there is a UFO!”   Sure enough there is a silver disk paralleling us about a half mile away.  Nobody else seems to notice but it sure looks unmistakable to us, we have no other explanation.

It is a two hour trip to the Brasilia International Airport, and our flight leaves a 10:00 pm so we are early, early enough to experience rush hour in this incredible city. No one ever allows anyone any room, and never, ever allows anyone in in front of them in the jumbled and chaotic traffic.  It’s a game everyone seems to play and it appears that it works very well to get all drivers pissed off at each other.

We finally arrive at the Airport at 6:00.  It’s an open air building and the wind is quite strong so it is cold since it is winter in the southern hemisphere.   We wander about after we check our heavy bags in search of food.  Everything seems so expensive, we only want a little.  Ah ha! Someone finally directs us to food court upstairs. As we make our way up there a jet is revving its engines outside the open windows.  The noise is overwhelming and the smell of jet fuel is nauseating.  We look at each other and sit down to watch the Brazilian men and boys gather by the windows to watch, absolutely fascinated by all the racket.   Hands over our ears, we just wait for it to stop.  Both of us have lost our appetites but we know we have to eat something.   It is so comforting to see a McDonalds, even I can order a McChicken sandwich, McFries, and a Coca-Cola for us.  A little taste of home, something I never eat at home but here it tastes absolutely great.

We board the plane and travel all night to arrive in Atlanta early Tuesday morning, and then it’s on to Denver and from there to arrive at our beautiful home in Conifer at just after 11:00 am on July 9, 2013.   Our great adventure is over; it’s so good to be home.

Written with love for all of you and for myself—-Sandy—April 7, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THURSDAY AND FRIDAY CASA DAYS—Sandy

 

 

I am returning to  post the blogs I wrote describing our trip to Brazil.  Since they are already written and some of you have expressed an interest in hearing the rest of the story about  our trip to see John of God, I have decided to share them with any who want to read them.     I’m sure that it is understood why I have been diverted for these past two and a half months but I am beginning to find some balance in my life even though I miss his physical presence unbearably sometimes; his spirit is with me always.  These four blogs that I will be posting in the near future were written while we were in Brazil or shortly after we returned home in July.

To read about the first part of our journey, read the earlier blogs titled: The Great Adventure–7/7/2013, A New World Opens–7/15/2013,  Preparation For Healing–7/27/2013, and First Casa Day–8/4/2013.

 

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THURSDAY

Bill is still resting but he gets up to shower and have breakfast and then it’s back to bed for him.  I head off to the Casa for my surgery/spiritual intervention; I don’t have to be early today because I know that this line will be first after the folks go in for Currant.  We are led through the Currant rooms to the final room and asked to sit and close our eyes; I am clutching my crystal wrapped in my written requests to the Entities.  After about forty-five minutes, Medium Joáo enters the room and speaks to us in Portuguese for a short time; I recognize his voice from the day before.   We sit for a while longer and listen to various prayers then we are asked to open our eyes and exit from the room.   Kelsie is waiting outside for me but most of the participants are directed into the garden for directions from Sebastian, a volunteer of the Casa, he is short and rotund with a high, sing-song voice, he is dressed perfectly in white as are all of the volunteers.   I ask Kelsie if I am missing anything and she says,   “No, they don’t have guides to answer their questions about protocol after surgery.”   We walk the short distance to the taxi line and I am back to our pousada within minutes.  I immediately lie down for a long sleep, I am surprised that I can sleep so long after the good nights’ sleep I just had.   Kelsie comes by with the blessed soup for both of us and then brings us our lunch.  Bill still has until 3:00 pm to complete his twenty-four hours of rest and I’m just starting mine, which will last until 9:00 am Friday morning.   I sleep and rest for the remainder of the day. Kelsie brings me dinner and Bill has dinner with her in the dining area then returns to his room for the night.  It would be wrong to not say that Bill and I do have some short talks with each other but basically we are alone in our own spaces.

During my night it is strange to not do anything like read, use the computer, or write.   I just sleep or pretend to sleep.  Nothing strange happens in the night but then that kind of thing never seems to happen to me.  I’d almost feel like making something up to make me seem more exciting and deep but I just sleep and dream, watch the moon and remember songs in my head.   The next morning Bill brings me breakfast.

At 9:00 am Friday I’m ready to do some shopping or something.  Kelsie and I decide to walk up “Rodeo Drive” to the highway where there is a drugstore.   We have our umbrellas and hats to protect us from the sun.   The numerous shops selling crystals, white clothes and jewelry are fun to poke through.  About a quarter mile up the road bends slightly and this is where the tourist ambiance begins to fade.   Looking

Shopping in Abadiania

Shopping in Abadiania

down the side streets there are chickens and roosters running around free.  There’s a skinny old white horse tied to a post with a cart nearby that I later see him pulling.   There is more trash,  although I see some trash containers,  mostly the trash is on the ground around them probably pulled out by the numerous stray dogs running all over the streets.  And there are the young men on the corner, acting like the roosters strutting around just like on corners all over the world.   No matter what, you know they are making their observations of anyone who walks by. Read More

The Road to Recovery

the-road-to-addiction-recoveryColorado Serenity
Survivor – Mar 2013
Amy J. Born

The road to recovery

In the summer of 1992, Bill and Sandy Fifield made their way from Conifer to Allen’s Park for a late afternoon party hosted by a friend from Minnesota. At least that’s the reason Sandy gave Bill for going. Looking forward to the chance to drink openly with friends, Bill was anxious to get there. Sandy, knowing they were not expected until four o’clock, delayed their arrival with stops at a Black Hawk casino and several liquor stores along the way.

When the couple finally arrived at the cabin, there were no other cars visible. Bill began to get suspicious, repeatedly asking, “Where’s the party?” Then, their friend emerged from the woods and invited them into the cabin, where they were greeted by six friends – the only ones left who would still speak to them – and one stranger.

Read More

Three Disruptive Moments

“The first disruptive moment came when a friend and I were discussing her fifteen-year-old daughter’s addiction problem. My immediate temptation was to think that this was unique and different—a special problem that needed to be dealt with in an extraordinary manner. I thought—there must be some kind of therapy, magic medication or miracle action which could fix the problem once and for all. Rescue and fix—that’s the answer. These thoughts raced through my head and I’m sure through her parents’ minds as well. How can we make the problem just go away? – Read more about Sandy’s disruptive moments here.

Unity

Recovery is the only solution to fear.  It does not matter what the fear is; it is a lie that controls my life. The discovery of this simple truth has been an arduous process.  Like all good lies it can’t stand the light of day.  Whatever crisis brings me to an awakening, I must now pay attention. Simple but not easy; a price has to be paid.  It means the exposure of my fear.

At the core of my fear is the belief that I am not enough, I don’t measure up and I am inadequate.  My fear gathered evidence for this lie and I could see no other way until my spiritual, physical, emotional collapse dissolved my world; nothing was left and a door opened.  My initial thought, Oh my God, have I been wrong all this time?  The answer appears to be YES!

I am grateful that a support group appeared at my feet.  It had been there all along and it had but one purpose—to expose the lie. The folks in this group were united in that cause; there are thousands of diversions and they are familiar with them all.  God bless their understanding. No matter what, return to the solution.  Keep the fear exposed. Read More

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