Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

Life is Terminal

How does that go? I’ve never seen a Brinks truck in a funeral procession. The power of the human condition (the pursuit of sex, security and society) coupled with the lie that I am not enough, drove me to madness. I had no choice; I was trapped in a diversion with no way out. I was grasping for the answer in all the wrong places. Nothing outside of me ever really filled the bill. My life was unmanageable and that was all the proof I needed to confirm again and again that I will never measure up.

I was going to die having done nothing but take. And that scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to die but I was incapable of living; the only escape for me was addiction. That worked for a while but even that failed to solve the problem. What a loser, I was even a failure at drinking and drugging. Into my darkness came a moment of clarity. Maybe there was another way; maybe I could point my actions in another direction! My God, I was the source of the darkness that was my life.

The vehicle that brought me to this temple of recovery was drugs and alcohol. It is not the recommended pilgrimage. Addiction is not usually characterized by recovery; its usual outcome is misery and death. I am so grateful that I got out of the vehicle and went into the temple. In there I was given a recipe to deal with my box of troubles. You didn’t take them from me; you helped me see through the diversions.

The 12 Steps showed me the Brinks truck wasn’t going to fulfill me in any lasting way. It’s only by being the gift that I will get out of this world alive; by learning how to love, I become fulfilled. But what does love look like? I have no experience so it takes practice. It doesn’t mean I pick up the tab for you; it means allowing you the consequences of your own behavior. It means celebrating your journey. It means being prepared when someone reaches out for help. How awesome to hold your hand, look into your eyes and see a child of God.

Today I stand on this earth without fear. I stand at the portals of creation and receive the gifts of the universe. I know what seeds to plant; no black seeds, just the white ones. So when it’s my time to go, fill the Brinks truck with partysupplies for a celebration of all our journeys. I insist— HAVE FUN!!

God bless you,

I love you,


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  • Larry W

    Dear Bill you always knew how to nail it. I grievous heart misses you so much and that is how I love you. The shifting sands beneath my feet is my grief, consciously I shift to right myself… I say the Serenity Prayer and I know you are smiling.
    My prayer tonight is for you Sandy
    Love Larry

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