By Bill Fifield
Living a spiritual life means the exposure of my fear. I had no idea to the depth my fear went. It ruled my entire life. Every thought word and action was based on fear. Going through the 12 Steps started to show me where the fear was born, where the lie that I am not good enough started. How could I love you when I was such a piece of trash?
As long as I can remember I did my best to avoid doing something wrong and to prevent punishment. I wasn’t very good at it and soon started to blame myself. None of this made for a very good life. The only escape was through drugs and alcohol. The amazing thing about addiction is the unawareness of the power of its hold. I was trapped and could only see you through the haze of my madness. I had to judge you; it was the only way to keep from looking at myself. I was able to say to -myself, “Thank God you are so sick; I don’t have to look at me!” When all this self-absorption crashed under its own negative weight, my selfishness stood in painful clarity.
I took and I took and I took until there was nothing left but hate and resentment. I had to change my thinking—but how? I couldn’t do it with this fear filled selfish mind. The
language of recovery is 180° away from the voice of addiction. Addiction says take because there isn’t enough; spirituality says give of what you have. Addiction says criticize, judge, fault-find and blame. Spirituality says be the gift, encourage, praise, appreciate and bless.
I’ve spent my whole life worshipping the negative and the harvest of that behavior was bewilderment, frustration and despair. I impacted everyone who came into contact with me. I can’t plant corn and expect cotton to come up. What would happen if I planted love light and joy everywhere I went? God bless everyone, no exceptions!
The responsibilities of a spiritual life scared me at first, but that was only because I didn’t understand. Responsibility turned out to be as simple as turning aside my judgment and doing the exact opposite thing. In March when I was in the hospital the change of nurses came in the middle of the night. In the half dark a Neanderthal
looking fellow shuffled into my room and I could hear the judgment start in my mind. Suddenly the crossroad became visible and I jumped out of bed, went over and handed him a simple card with the spiritual principles of acceptance, open-mindedness, willingness, honesty, forgiveness, harmony, truth, faith, hope, light, and joy printed on it. I gave him a hug and thanked him for being an angel in my life.
That simple act of kindness changed everything. Every time he saw me, he lit up like the sun. So, what’s it going to be? The light or the dark? What am I planting; a black seed or a white seed? Who would I rather be; a gangster or Santa Claus? I love you, everyone, I mean exactly that; NO EXCEPTIONS!
God bless you, Bill