Bill & Sandy Fifield Artist - Authors - Speakers

The Road to Recovery

the-road-to-addiction-recoveryColorado Serenity
Survivor – Mar 2013
Amy J. Born

The road to recovery

In the summer of 1992, Bill and Sandy Fifield made their way from Conifer to Allen’s Park for a late afternoon party hosted by a friend from Minnesota. At least that’s the reason Sandy gave Bill for going. Looking forward to the chance to drink openly with friends, Bill was anxious to get there. Sandy, knowing they were not expected until four o’clock, delayed their arrival with stops at a Black Hawk casino and several liquor stores along the way.

When the couple finally arrived at the cabin, there were no other cars visible. Bill began to get suspicious, repeatedly asking, “Where’s the party?” Then, their friend emerged from the woods and invited them into the cabin, where they were greeted by six friends – the only ones left who would still speak to them – and one stranger.

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Imagine a Day Without Fear

When I was first introduced to recovery and the 12 Steps, I was convinced they would not work for me. Then I finally asked a person who could lead me through the actions suggested by the Steps and found some willingness to proceed from her enthusiasm.

I could not imagine a day without fear.   I was not sure that I could or would be able to stay in my relationship with Bill.  We had been through so much.  I met him in 1965 when I was 20 years old and almost immediately we began living together.  Our great adventure had begun.   We wanted to create a true artistic partnership but there were no blueprints for this type of relationship at the time.  The closest thing we could find was the artist who married a good little woman and she helped him to achieve success at the cost of her own artistic ambitions. We knew that wouldn’t work for us but I was extremely dependent on him to fulfill my every need and desire, and to pull me into exciting and dangerous behavior.   I loved it but it didn’t quite go along with the partnership we had envisioned.  I remember the first time I actually thought, “I probably could go on living if he left me.”  What a radical idea!  I had always felt like a Victorian heroine who would just retire to bed and die of a broken heart.  How romantic, how silly, how ridiculous!

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“The Beginnings of an Awakening”

How did I feel knowing that I drank and did drugs, yet Bill was the one who went into Rehab?  As the intervention I had planned unfolded, I believe I was unaware of what this really meant.  My basic thought at the time was that I wanted to save Bill’s life.

It had become obvious even to me that he was out of control. I knew he was drinking the whole time I was at work.  He was driving to the liquor store and bars under the influence and it seemed only a matter of time before something tragic would happen.  I, however, was still able to go to work and I had taken control of everything I could in a desperate attempt to prove that everything was okay in my house.  It seemed apparent to me, Bill, and everyone else that I had no problem with drugs or alcohol, therefore, I did not need rehab though Bill certainly did.  I hoped that if he could regain control, we could get back to our lives and continue to use drugs and alcohol moderately.  All my problems would be solved.

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“What are your magic words?”

Everyone has “magic words” that can produce a moment of clarity; sometimes they come from our innermost selves and at other times they may be  uttered by another human being.   They are as unique and elusive as a butterfly but in every human there is an understanding of life and survival waiting to be heard.

When the interventionist said the magic words: “We know what’s been going on.”, the lie I had been living just fell apart.  My life was like a castle of sand held together with gray tape and old 2 x 4’s; it just couldn’t last.  The horrible truth leapt into focus at that moment. I somehow knew if I didn’t grab this opportunity, something truly disastrous was going to happen.  Somebody was going to die and it probably wouldn’t be me.  So, when asked if I wanted to go into treatment/rehab, I opened my mouth and out came, “Okay”.

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The miracle of intervention: Grace.

There is an intervention in every addict’s life. It is called Grace.  Every minute of every day, Grace is available to everyone on earth. Whether it is received or not is a matter of circumstance.  In addiction this is known as the “moment of clarity”.  “Oh, my God, I’m killing myself, and I can’t stop!”  The acceptance of this devastating truth, the admission that there is no control, is the springboard into a spiritual life, a life of happy, joyous freedom. 

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